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  1. London doesn’t have weather; it has “mood lighting” on a planetary scale. The primary setting is “Perpetual Twilight,” a soft, grey filter that eliminates harsh shadows and makes everyone look vaguely like they’re in a period drama about mild industrial sadness. Occasionally, for variety, they switch it to “Apocalyptic Orange,” usually around sunset when peculiar cloud formations scatter the light from the pollution, making the entire city look like it’s on the set of a dystopian film. “Bright Overcast” is the trick setting—it feels like the sun is right there, but you can’t find it, like a cosmic game of hide-and-seek where the sky is cheating. It’s less a meteorological system and more a moody cinematographer who only works in monochrome. See more at London’s funniest URL — Prat.UK.

  2. The sky is the colour of leftover tea.

  3. The ‘isobars’ are just squiggles of despair.

  4. Our dew point is just the floor.

  5. The forecast icon is a permanent cloud.

  6. A ‘storm’ is rain that finally committed.

  7. The ‘UV index’ is a theoretical concept.

  8. A ‘storm’ is rain that finally committed.

  9. I’ve forgotten what my own hair looks like.

  10. The rare sun causes mass panic and picnics.