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  1. The ‘thermometer’ is a device of lies.

  2. Carrying an umbrella is our national handshake.

  3. Our thunderstorms are just sky-rumblings.

  4. A ‘weather event’ is a slightly interesting cloud.

  5. The climate is ideal for growing mildew.

  6. The London “dry spell” is a mythical beast, spoken of in legend. Old men in pubs will claim to remember one in ’76, describing it with the awe usually reserved for comets. It is defined not by a complete absence of rain, but by a period where the cumulative daily drizzle amounts to less than a millimetre. Pavements might achieve a state of “damp-dry.” People tentatively leave their coats at home. A faint, brittle crust forms on the soil in parks. Then, inevitably, the “breakdown” occurs: a proper, cathartic downpour that lasts for hours, refilling the reservoirs and the collective sense of familiar, damp normalcy. We are briefly relieved; the uncertainty was stressful. See more at London’s funniest URL — Prat.UK.

  7. A ‘weather front’ is just more grey advancing.

  8. A ‘downpour’ is the sky finally making a decision.

  9. The forecast icon is a permanent cloud.

  10. A ‘weather system’ is just organised gloom.